Ninja Assassin slices and dices its way to awesomeness

Like all normal males, my masculinity is partly defined by a healthy obsession with ninjas. Of course I watched the first TMNT in slow motion to learn how to use the nunchucks I bought at the Army Surplus store. So it was with tremendous excitement and bias that I received the news that James McTeigue would be making a movie about tons of ninjas killing each other.

For full disclosure, I have to admit that I did not like McTeigue’s V for Vendetta. And the quiet production/very late marketing push for Ninja Assassin had me worried in recent weeks. But Warner Brothers has an impending cult classic on their hands because this movie delivers in all the ways it should. Mostly.

The opening segment is fantastic. A group of cardboard cutout thugs wave their guns around and abuse an old man. The old man cringes in fear as an envelope filled with black sand appears. Some clichéd banter about this ancient symbol of impending doom is thrown around, and then the lights go out. Ninja stars and body parts fly in every direction. The tone is perfect.

Unfortunately, after the title card the movie spends a good twenty minutes setting up some shoe-string, ludicrous plot about a Europol agent (Naomie Harris) investigating ninjas clans. This is intertwined with a flashback-heavy introduction to Riazo (Korean popstar Rain) – raised as the favorite son of a ninja master, he betrays his clan out of a sappy reliance on emotional morality. She’s out for the truth, he’s out for revenge. Whatever.

Much like Stallone’s brilliant action spectacle Rambo, the plot really only exists to guide set pieces and lead characters into preposterous situations. The final hour or so is what really matters, because it is nothing but fantastically bloody violence with ninjas jumping out of every shadow to fight with both Raizo and Europol’s strike force. The audience is treated to gruesome answers to questions like: What happens when you fire a rocket-propelled grenade at a ninja? Can dozens of ninja stars shred a speeding car? Do ninjas splatter blood all over the place when they dismember somebody?

The final showdown is probably the coolest extended action scene since The Matrix. A description would do it a huge disservice.

My only two complaints about this movie are that Naomie Harris is a terrible lead actress who gets far too much screen time, and the ninjas – badass as hell as they might be – are all bad guys. Disregarding these two things, the movie hits the mark. Rain is excellent as a star, the choreography only rarely relies on camera tricks, and the action never once cedes to any standard of tastefulness. I can’t wait for a sequel.

4/5